The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies.

So where dear reader should I start with this little slice of celluloid entertainment. Firstly I feel I should address the numbers game. This is the sixth film the Peter Jackson has made about hobbits and their lovely little furry footsteps across, around and in some cases under Middle Earth. 

Now whereas the epic Lord of the Rings trilogy had just over one thousand pages to play with the Hobbit doesn't. There was so much story in the original trilogy that there were some characters that didn't even make it on to the screen. Tom Bombadil for example is missing presumed 'chopping' from The Fellowship of the Ring. I mention this because three hundred pages are not even remotely close enough for the basis of three films. Even two would be a push. 

Now you can be as creative as you want and include all manner of items and back story from the appendices. Hell you could even throw in half a dozen Christmas recipes from Fanny Cradock and also include the complete works of Shakespeare translated in Esperanto and you still wouldn't have enough solid material to turn what is a best a children's story that would take Joe Average about five hours to read into a trilogy spanning forty eight months and nine hours running time. 

Whether it was a studio decision or one that Jackson made himself the truth of the matter is that more films equals more bums on seats, which in turn equals more money and more profits. Then of course there are the inevitable extended cuts and the merchandise circus that comes along with each film. Mr Jackson needs to be careful with his artistic integrity or there's a very good chance that he cod end up being stuck in the same corner as George Lucas, trying to work out where it all went wrong. 

So what if the film itself. Well apart from it being a bit bloated with the unnecessary (please see above), it does have some great action and battle sequences in it. That said one of the best shots in the entire film is simple and uncomplicated. It's a conversation between Bard and Thorin. It's shot with them talking to each other through a hole in a defensive wall the Dwarves have had to build to protect the mountain. It shows Thorin in the full throws of Dragon sickness and his complete inability to see anyone as anything other than a potential threat and thief for the treasure that lies within the mountain. 

As with the Lord of the rings films Jackson uses the giant Eagles as his Middle Earth 'get out of jail free card'. Basically it works like this. When you see them on screen you know the good guys are going to win. There's also the inclusion of 'Wereworms' which if memory serves do get briefly mentioned at the start of the Hobbit book but they aren't in the final battle where they show up on screen this time. The other small issue I have with the introduction of ‘Wereworms’ is that they are only ever on screen for about ten seconds and they only get used as a device to move the plot forward. They also happen to be huge. 

If anyone has read Douglas Adams The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and is aware of his ‘Space is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space’ quote then you get some idea of how big these worms are. My problem is where have they been for the last five films? Holidaying in a garden centre somewhere?

Oh, and if you’re a fan of Smaug and all of his fiery goodness then I would strongly recommend that you take your seats promptly when you go to see The Battle of the Five Armies as he doesn't make it past the opening credits. What it lacks in Dragons it does however make up for with great acting. Cate Blanchet is back and packs a mean magical punch. Orlando “They’re taking the Hobbits to Isengard” Bloom is Legolas, and if you like your Dwarves Scottish, Homicidal and wielding large hammers than Billy Connolly may just make your day. 

So it may sound like I’m Jackson bashing a little bit but I’m not. I really enjoyed watching these films and although I didn’t think The Hobbit was worthy of a trilogy I’d happily watch them again and at some point in the not too distant future I’ll probably end up owning them as well, In all the shiny blu ray virtuousness. The Battle of the Five Armies at is heart is story of absolute power corrupting absolutely. This power manifests itself in the form of more Au than ‘Cash For Gold’ could shake a stick at. The film, where it’s allowed to, stays faithful to the book and without wanting to give away too many spoilers not all of the original party that leaves Hobbiton at the start of An Unexpected Journey make it to the end credits here. It also benefits from not having the fifteen different endings that Return of the King got weighed down with. It’s a fitting conclusion to Tolkiens books and I suspect no one will ever be brave enough to want to bring either of his most famous books back to the big screen during the next fifty years or so. I hope Jackson is now content with Middle Earth and is smart enough to leave well enough alone. He’s brought what many thought was an ‘un-filmable’ series of stories to the masses and he’s done it in style. His motion capture technology is now used by most Hollywood studios as and when required and his effects company Weta is now consistently giving Industrial Light and Magic a run for its money as the ‘go to’ industry standard. 

Twitter Review:

Gandalf, Orcs, Elves, Dwarves, Dragons, The One Ring, Sauron, Gold, Battles and a Bard...

#AddWater&Stir

Useful Links:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2310332/?ref_=nv_sr_1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVAgTiBrrDA

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?FID=137273

The Desolation Of Smaug

Hello dear reader, a couple of Saturdays before the Yuletide festivities kicked in and certain shops, who will remain nameless, started putting Easter eggs on their shelves I went and saw the new Hobbit film. Now for lots of different reasons I shan't bore you with, including one about a Microsoft windows update that made my keyboard ornamental as opposed to functional and another that centered around me ridding the world of dark chocolate and beer, I have been unable to commit pen to paper or in this case, fingers to keys and jot down what I thought of the film. I will now remedy this alarming oversight with a short, concise and as ever entertaining review of said film.

It starts unusually, not where we left off but with a flash back to Bree and a meeting in the prancing pony about six months before the start of the first film "An Unexpected Journey". This powwow takes place between Magneto & the Vicar of Dibleys hubby, sorry Gandalf and Thorin. They are discussing what to do about the pesky dragon that's taken up residence at Erebor and how, if ever, the dwarves will ever get to go and home. Apparently the metropolitan line just doesn't go that far. During this meeting the Arkenstone is brought up. This unique gem, that either runs on Duracell batteries or Magic (it's never really made clear in the film) will help the dwarves reclaim their home. I’m not sure how it’s supposed to work but I think it’s along the same principles as the "one ring." You know, whoever holds the stone, with great power comes great responsibility, greedo shot first, put your hand against the screen, we're not in Kanas anymore, gas mark 6, he's not the messiah he's a very naughty boy kind of deals. 
It’s during this meeting that it’s decided that a thief will be required to help get this gem back, which is where Bilbo comes in.
Just a quick aside. As and when you watch this film keep your eyes peeled as the very first person you see on screen, doing a splendid impression of bugs bunny, is the one and only director of the piece Peter Jackson. 

The film then takes us back to Bilbo "The Burglar" and this company of twelve dwarves. The bakers dirty dozen of Middle Earth if you will, still heading towards what can only described as the biggest branch of Ernest Jones I've ever seen. 
For those of you who haven't read the Hobbit I can say only this. You need to stop whatever you're doing and fix this literary omission right now. It belongs up there with the classics like Hamlet, A tale of two cities and the majestic George's marvellous medicine. 
For those of you who have you'll know what's coming. This includes (spoiler alert) a bear that's a man, who happens to hate Dwarves but hates Orcs even more. A wood that even Gandalf thinks twice about entering. A necromancer, which as far as I can tell is the equivalent of a Middle Earth Sith Lord. Also on display is Stephen Fry playing the Lord of Laketown. A role he plays to perfection.

This film seems to flow a lot more smoothly than its predecessor. There was a lot of talk, when the announcement came that Peter Jackson was taking a three hundred and thirty'ish page novel and then stretching out over three instalments, that it would make it very thin on the ground when it came to plot and story but with the inclusion of the appendices from other Tolkien books thrown in for good measure Mr Jackson seems to have pulled it off. Even bringing some characters back from The Lord of the Rings trilogy has paid off. It's a credit to the screenplay and its direction that a film that clocks in at two hours and 40 minutes feels like a movie half its length. In fact when the credits started to roll I had to look at my watch to double check the time. 

Now I can and will say that you get a lot more bang for your buck in the way of action with The Desolation of Smaug. There are some truly amazing set pieces here, including an arachnophobics worst nightmare brought to life. Made even more jolting if there happens to be a set of 3D glasses perched across your nose. An escape from the elves in barrels that puts any ride at Chessington World of Adventures or Alton Park to shame and a battle under the mountain that involves one of the biggest games of side and seek you're ever likely to see. 
My biggest issue with the film and I am really “nit picking” here is that Smaug doesn’t really get desolated at all. In fact the film ends with him basically getting the upper hand over everyone. I suspect given the effort that’s been put in to bring him to life, and I’ll be honest here you won’t see a better CGI dragon this side of the trilogies conclusion, Smaug will have a big part to play in the last film “There and Back Again.” This would be a big departure from the book as he kicks the bucket, hops the twig, expires, sleeps with the fishes, has bought the farm, gone belly up and also died about two thirds of the way through the novel. It’s actually Smaugs death causes the fight for the treasure and the battle of the five armies.  In closing I’ll say this. If the first film put you off and you felt disappointed (I know I did) this one redeems the franchise very well and would definitely be worth your time, money and trouble to go and see it.   

Twitter Review:
Smaug plays it smug. Watson plays with his ring and the mountain has more gold than Big Mac has Calories in it
#DragonsBarrels&Burglars

Useful Links:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001392/?ref_=tt_ov_dr
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPVWy1tFXuc

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

How to make a film about Hobbits.
For best results please try and stick to the correct elements listed below.

Ingredients:
1x    old wizard played by Magneto (Sir Ian Mckellen)
1x    Hobbit played by Dr Watson and or Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman)
12x  Dwarves including 1 who married the Vicar of Dibley (Richard Armitage), 1 who played Jekyll & Hyde (James Nesbitt), 1 who’s been in everything from Red Dwarf, Casualty and The Bill (Graham McTavish)and 1 who’s made his name playing a Vampire (Aidan Turner)
2x    Hobbits we’ve seen before so you can use them to help set up the telling of the story you’re about to see (Sir Ian Holm and Elijah Wood)
1x    Elf played by Mr Smith from the Matrix Films (Hugo Weaving)
1x    Elf played by Queen Elizabeth  (Cate Blanchett)
1x    Wizard played by the man with the golden gun with Dracula tendencies (Christopher Lee)
1x    Wizard played by an ex Doctor Who (Sylvester McCoy)
1x    Gollum, keeper of the precious (Andy Serkis)

Method:
Find a Director who has previous experience in bringing Tolkien to the masses. New Zealanders tend to be the best if you can find one. Sign up a local company that can handle the odd effect or two. Please check first that they don’t specialise in claymation or stop motion effects. Most of what’s seen on screen will need to be digital. Also without wishing to sound to clichéd when it comes to scouting for places to shoot your grand and epic tale, it will come down to three simple words “Location, Location, Location”. You can assemble the greatest actors, write the best screenplay seen in these parts for over a decade but if you’re going to convince the world that you are actually on location in Middle Earth you can’t do it with concrete cows or electricity pylons in the background.
Once you have these components put together take the above ingredients and mix them altogether. Give yourself a solid twelve months or so to cook it perfectly and then wait for critical acclaim.

This Hobbit movie isn’t actually that bad. The problems that it has are mostly inherited from what came before. The previous lord of the rings trilogy blew audiences way, raised the bar and made a lot of money, approximately 2.9 billion dollars. It also proved that there isn’t that much that can be considered these days to be “unfilmable”.
So with very high expectations filming of the Hobbit was announced with Peter Jackson once again taking on the big chair duties again. Originally the plan was to make two films but even this raised a few eyebrows within the film world. All three books from the rings trilogy clock in at around one thousand pages, whereas the hobbit is nearer three hundred and fifty. Some of the Hollywood naysayers were adamant that there simple wasn’t enough source material for it to be stretched over two films so I can only imagine that shares in Prozac must have gone up quite considerable when Warner’s announced in the early summer of last year that at Jacksons request the story would now take place over three films, not two.

This is a four star film, not five and the reason I say this is a simple on. At the heart of this story it’s basically a tale about reclaiming a home and the treasure horded within, even if it is guarded by a dragon. There’s never any real sense of peril or that the world will end should they fail in their quest. Even when Sauron isn’t on the screen in the original films you have the ring to remind you that something very bad is happening and that all is not well. You just the sensation that if the Dwarves don’t finish their journey not a lot will change. This is a shame really but guess the Hobbit was written as a children’s story, the lord of the rings wasn’t .

I’ll finish by saying this, the Hobbit was a long time in the making and had a few hiccups before it made it to the screen. The most prominent being a change of director. Guillermo del Toro had always been Peter Jackson first choice for directing these films but after the films production getting stuck in financial wrangles he left to pursue other interests.  The next two films “The Desolation of Smaug”, due in December of this year and “There and Back Again” due to hit the screens in the summer of 2014 are still very much “must see movies” and I’m sure they will be received well and be hailed as landmark films, in much the same way the first trilogy were. I just hope they are more character driven and not too reliant on visual distractions as the first one seemed to be.

Twitter review:
If you don’t like this film you don’t know what you’re Tolkien about

Useful Links:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0903624/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOGsB9dORBg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IYMgqWXH8Y